By now, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of blog posts about the Boston Marsthon tragedy. Simple musings, passionate words, empathic statements fill the Internet.
And so I told myself I needed to post about this as well. Say something that will make people feel better (therapist voice in me!) Be wise, be compassionate and make a statement, I told myself.
But I’m still at a loss for words. So I’m not going to force the issue and make a blog post that doesn’t feel authentic.
What I am going to do is express how this has made me homesick for my home state. Boston is a tough city filled with tough Massholes. They’ll rally and, more importantly, they’ll keep RUNNING.
Because that’s the overall message here. To not let the violent acts of one person make you take off your running shoes and give up. To not let hatred deter you from coming back next year and celebrating vitality in it’s finest.
We keep running. And cheering, and celebrating humanity.
And that said, I would be remiss to point out that this whole event has made my nostalgic for my running past. Runners are a tough crew, and an amazing crew. They band together at races, they help each other out, and they share a passion for moving their bodies.
There is a beautiful community of humanity in running.
Runners, this yogi has you in her thoughts and prayers. This yogi may even have been inspired to lace up her old running sneakers and hit the pavement (ok, when the blizzard that is hitting Denver right now subsides).
Tonight is our final teaching practicum for YTT. We’ll practice ahimsa- non violence- on our mats. We’ll send our heart’s intentions out to all the suffering across the globe. We’ll cultivate gratitude for our health, our blessings, and the gifts of every day life. We will embody love on our mats.
I hope you all had a wonderful Easter Sunday. It was an absolutely beautiful, warm spring day here in Denver, so after YTT, the husband and I biked to brunch with some friends, and spent the rest of the afternoon outside with babies, black dogs, bubbly and Bocce. It was glorious.
Equally glorious is waking up this morning, NOT going to work but instead sipping some green tea, blending up a Green Monster smoothie, and blogging from the couch. Say whaaaa?
No, I’m not playing hookey or taking a sick day.
In last week’s post on inversions, I mentioned that I’d be turning things upside down in my own life soon. And that it would be scary but necessary.
What I was alluding to is that I’ve decided to take a leave of absence from work for the month of April. This decision did not come lightly or without anguish. There are reasons behind this decision that I cannot and do not want to share here, but I can say this:
It has been incredibly overwhelming trying to juggle a challenging full time career, yoga teacher training and maintain my social life, sanity and happiness. I’ve been torn in two different directions between YTT and work. I haven’t been able to fully jump into my yoga training because my main obligation is to my patients.
On top of trying to juggle both worlds- professional and all things yoga, we have some life changes going on. Remember that time I went house hunting and was drooling over that dream kitchen?
Well, what I didn’t post is that we did indeed put an offer on that house and we are under contract set to close on April 10. We are so excited to be moving into our new home. We have been renting for two years and it is about time! This new home is in an area of Denver we love, across the street from a lovely park for Gus to frolick in, and it’s the perfect size and house for our family of two.
All that said, you can imagine my level of anxiety spiking when I started thinking about moving, YTT and work. How on Earth was I going to do it all while still giving the necessary and optimal care to my patients?
Finally, speaking of work….
There are times, as mental health professionals, that we need to take a breather and take care of ourselves. In my field, especially with this particular population, there is a lot of heartache and heartbreak. In the past several months, I’ve experienced both professionally.
I’d be lying if I said that there are times lately when I feel so disheartened and burnt out. I start thinking, “Are all my efforts worth it? What am I even doing this work for if all I feel is stressed out and heartbroken?”
I went into the mental health field with a desire to be a healer. And while I still have that desire, I question whether that desire is strong enough to sustain the heartache, stress, anxiety and disappointment that my job has dealt me lately.
And so I take this time off for many reason. I can focus on my last month of YTT, I can settle into and make our new home. I can practice some yoga, do some healing body work (Reiki, anyone?) and get some therapy space and clarity so that hopefully I can hit the “reset” button on my career and return refreshed. At least that is what I hope for.
So take care of yourselves. Spring is a beautiful time to think about what’s working for you and what’s not, and make necessary choices to invest in your overall well being and happiness- even if those choices are hard. And remember that April showers bring May flowers. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.
I received an adorable Easter card in the mail last week from my cousin Pam, that I just had to post here.
And what she wrote took me on a trip down memory lane.
I have always loved Easter Sunday. Which is odd, seeing as I consider myself a recovering Catholic and am no longer an active member of “The Church”. (Love and the yoga mat are now my religion- gasp!).
But growing up, Easter Sunday was even better than Christmas morning. My cousins, sister and I would wake early, follow the trail of jelly beans the Easter Bunny had left through the bedroom, down the stairs to our Easter baskets. Sugar and treats galore ! We’d overdose on Peeps (they had Peeps back in 1987!), throw on our bonnets and pastels and head to church together, dragging our begrudging fathers and proper mothers. Upon return from Mass, we’d partake in EPIC egg hunts.
I grew up on an estate for which my father was a caretaker. There were egg hunts that spanned hundreds of square feet for all the neighborhood children. I remember running through fields, delicately picking tin-foiled chocolate eggs from the buds of tulips and other spring bulbs just beginning to blossom. To this day, I can’t smell a hyacinth without having a vision of my younger self, giggling with my cousins and sister, chocolate stained lips and fingers.
So while I’m no longer 10 years old and a proper church goer, there is something about Easter Sunday that I still love. And it’s not about the chocolate- although I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit to buying one Cadbury Creme Egg each year as a special treat. Just one. 😉
What I love about Easter is that, for me, it’s really a celebration of Spring. It’s a time of renewal, hope and optimism.
It’s a time to celebrate the rebirth of all the goodness Nature provide for us. We start to see green buds on trees, color peeking out every so slightly from the ground. Winter’s hearty root vegetables are replaced with fresh greens and asparagus. The birds sing to us sweetly. Mud oozes onto our boots.
Easter is a beautiful time to take a look at your life, your habits, your connections- and think about what seeds you’d like to plant now in order to cultivate fresh health and happiness.
So Happy Easter/Spring/Passover/Life. Enjoy your day with your loved ones. Eat some chocolate and jelly beans. Take a long walk and soak in the signs of rebirth happening all around you in nature.
Tomorrow I won’t be waking up in the early morning following a trail of jelly beans down the stairs. I’ve got a bike ride planned followed by brunch with friends. I will spend the first part of my Easter Sunday in YTT, continuing today’s workshop on backbends.
Backbends help us ENERGIZE and REFRESH. Which, in my opinion, are the key elements of Spring- energy and rejuvenation.
Easter- and spring- are a reminder that there is life after death/winter. That there is always- ALWAYS- potential for rebirth, reinvention, and growth.
Happy Spring Day of Celebration. Open up your heart to the beauty of this season.
This week, I considered blogging about my overall dissatisfaction with my yoga teacher training program. GASP. I know, how could I say that, right? All we ever hear (or at least I do) is “Oh, YTT changed my LIFE!!!”
I had high expectations for my program. I was expecting something life changing. And for the last 8 weeks, I’d be lying if I said I was anything other than “meh” about it. And the “meh” feeling makes me wonder what is wrong with me, because everyone else in my program seems to be soaking it all in like an olive floating around in a martini.
But last week during a Happy Hour rant session with a friend, she brought up an interesting point. Many people who are drawn to yoga and yoga teacher training are looking to “find themselves”. Let’s face it- we are all on some inner journey for peace and enlightenment to a degree. But sometimes we have a tendency to seek happinenss and peace when really, all we need is what we have NOW and who we are in the present moment.
And so I’ve done some thinking, and while I can certainly say that I definately don’t have all my shit figured out, I can solidly say that I know myself, and that I have peace, happiness and enlightenment. I don’t need to “find myself”- I’m pretty clear on who I am, and I’m really happy with that. I consider myself “found”.
Which makes YTT a bit difficult. It’s not shaking the foundation of everything I know. It’s not making me question everything. It hasn’t changed my spiritual beliefs, it hasn’t changed my physical body (seriously, there is SO MUCH SITTING AROUND…….. I was NOT expecting that) or my level of fitness, it hasn’t created more peace- it really hasn’t done anything for me- THUS FAR. And in a way, I guess I’m grateful for that- because it makes me realize that my life is pretty damned good as it is.
Now, all of that said, I FINALLY feel that we’re starting to get into stuff that I can USE. 8 weeks later. The first 8 weeks of YTT has been, basically “Yoga 101”- I haven’t really learned how to TEACH yoga, but I know a lot about it now. But last night we workshopped the art of sequencing- stringing poses together for a 60, 75 or 90 minute class- and what that looks like.
And let me tell you, I have a newfound respect for my yoga teachers- it is NOT EASY to come up with a 60 minute vinyasa flow that’s creative, that’s balanced and that will be well-received. (On a side note, it is NOT easy to draw stick figures as your base plan for your classes- granted, I failed art in high school, but who would have thought that drawing stick figures would be my biggest challenge in YTT thus far?)
So we got together in mini groups and came up with some creative, feel-good standing series flows. It only took two months, but I finally started to feel like I was learning how to TEACH yoga, not just learning about yoga. So finally a YTT win!
Of course, despite all of the “meh” I’m complaining about, I have to say that the upcoming month looks more challenging. We’ve got some community service hours to do, as well as a “Yoga in Life” project (basically it’s our final project- think graduate school thesis). So remind me of this the next time I say “meh”.
Additionally, I encourage you to take a look at your life NOW- stop searching for happiness, peace, joy and enlightenment. Because you probably already have it. It’s here, it’s now, and it’s you.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my first few years as a yoga practioner. Specifically, what got me into yoga in the first place.
I won’t lie. I went to my first yoga class, 11 years ago, in a quest to get “the yoga butt”.
You know what I’m talking about. I had heard that yoga will lift and tone your cheeks, giving you a lovely ass. It’s why they called them as-anas, right? I had Yoga Butt Envy.
I was 21. I was dumb. And I was desperate. So let me explain.
I was always an active child. My parents were hippies (they won’t like me calling them that, but they really were), so I was always outside playing, even at a young age. Whether I was canoeing and fishing with my dad, rollerskating with my cousins, or swimming with my sister, I was always moving. When I got into elementary and middle school, I did horseback riding, ice skating, soccer and basketball (OK, those two lasted for one day- to this day I still don’t understand what “off sides” means). But I loved moving my body and being active.
When I transitioned into high school, I became a three sport athlete. I ran cross country, long distance track and did cross country skiing. What started as an extracurricular activity soon became an unhealthy obsession. I was constantly trying to be faster and better- to the detriment of my physical and mental health. Exercise no longer was fun anymore- it was compulsive.
Luckily, at the insistence of my parents, I stopped running. But the obsession with becoming physically more fit continued throughout college as my body image deteriorated. I exercised compulsively. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say the college gym should have charged me rent for the amount of time I was spending there.
I was buying into the societal myth that I needed to have a perfect body. I think many women can relate to that.
But the more I exercised, the more I hated my body. I was constantly seeking physical perfection. And it never happened.
So when I first walked into that yoga class 11 years ago, I was worn down- physically and emotionally. I was drained. I thought that yoga was my last resort, that maybe THIS would give me the perfect body- because I had tried everything else and I still hated how my body looked.
And little did I know, that first class would be life changing. It was the beginning a new life and a new relationship with myself and my body. Yoga made me feel GOOD- physically and emotionally. Yoga grounded me, so I didn’t spend so much time in my head. Yoga taught me to appreciate the way that my body moves. Yoga helped me realize that my body was strong and capable, but also needed some kindness and ease.
Yoga actually made me crave healthier foods, so I felt nourished from the inside out. And as time went on, I actually began to look physically more vibrant. It was ironic- I had given up excessive exercise and I actually looked BETTER.
Yoga helped me LET GO of the idea that my body needed to be perfect. It’s actually far from perfect, but it’s mine and it is my vehicle for doing all the things that I love.
Hiking with Gus
Now, I give thanks for my body. It allows me to hike with my husband and my dog. My body takes me biking in Aspen and snowshoeing in Santa Fe. My body flows in and out of some truly beautiful and amazing yoga poses. The idea of being locked inside a gym now is enough to make me shudder.
Biking in Aspen
Simply put, yoga helped me learn to live in the body I have.
And that is why I want to be a yoga teacher. I want to pay this amazing gift forward.
And if my classes help people get a yoga butt, then that’s just an added benefit.
I know, I know. I give and receive hugs ALL THE TIME. I am a touchy-feely person- probably to a fault. I’m not afraid to embrace a random stranger with a bear hug. Not a day goes by for me that doesn’t involve a hug. After all, hugs are the greatest- probably only trumped by chocolate, kale or a good laugh right? (for more reasons why we need hugs in our life, check out this article http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5756/10-Reasons-Why-We-Need-at-Least-8-Hugs-a-Day.html)
But yesterday I received the kind of hugs that you can feel for hours after. It had been a tough day at work. I was drained emotionally and physically, even before I crawled in to three hours of YTT. I probably looked checked out. I isolated in a corner on my mat hoping no one would notice me.
Hug # 1: Someone noticed me. One of my fellow yogis quietly sauntered over, touched my arm gently and gave me a hug while stating “you look like you’re having a hard day.” I don’t know this fellow trainee very well. But the fact that SHE NOTICED and came over to give me that message filled my heart with love and gratitude. She embodied the very notion that (I believe) one of our main goals in life is to let people know that YOU SEE THEM and that THEY MATTER.
Hug # 2: After training, my yoga teacher came over and simply embraced me (clearly I’m not a master at hiding my emotions- I must have walked into that studio with energy that screamed: “CAUTION: DISASTER AHEAD”)
She embraced me with such ferocity and authenticity that it was overwhelming. I could literally feel her attempting to transport healing energy and love into my body. I could energetically feel her attempts to fill me with peace in my heart space. It was intense.
But it got me thinking- while I’m a hugger, how often am I truly MINDFUL about my hugs? How often do I really set an intention to fill my hug recipient with love and peace? Because when you really stop and make your hug mindful and with pure intention, it can transcend darkness.
So I urge you to go forth and hug with intention. The next time you give someone a hug, really think about what you want them to FEEL, and the gifts you want to share with them- love, peace, freedom, or the message “I see you, you matter.”
vitadventure 